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Joke thread
- Thread starter Capn Jack
- Start date
the durkarian
Member
You've lost me with that one. In the UK we prefer jokes that have something slightly humorous in them.
I heard about this senior citizen. He was driving down the freeway in his brand-new Corvette with the top-down going 80 miles an hour when he saw flashing red lights from a state trooper in his rear view mirror. Without thinking about it, he floored it — took off to a 100 miles an hour. He heard the siren behind him. He finally pulled over and said, “Officer, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” The state trooper said, “Listen! It’s Friday 4 o’clock. My shift is over in 30 minutes. If you tell me a reason why you were speeding that I never heard before, then, I’ll let you go“. The man thought about it and said, “Officer, years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back.” The officer said, “Have a great weekend!”
OP
OP
Capn Jack
Gold Member
So your web sites do ask to save biscuits instead of cookies?
I had parked my car outside in what I thought was a safe location of the grocery store parking lot. While shopping I suddenly remembered I had left my two Chicago Bears tickets to the next home game laying on the passenger seat in plain view. Oh No, I thought! I finished my shopping in a hurry and when I got back to my car I was greeted with broken window glass inside and out. I was freaking! Jeez, my tickets! I slowly opened the passenger door only to discovered there were now four Chicago Bears tickets on the seat instead.
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I heard about a man on vacation in Jerusalem with his family when his mother-in-law suddenly died. He went to make arrangements to take the body back home. The consulate said it would cost five thousand dollars to have the body shipped but he could have her buried there in Jerusalem for just a hundred and fifty dollars. The man thought about it a moment and said no, “I’d like to have her shipped.” The consulate said, “Wow! You must have really loved your mother in law.” He said, “No, it’s not so much that. I just remember a case here years ago, when they buried someone and on the third day he arose and I can’t take that chance.”
BurnUnit
POTN Refugee
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- Clay Blackburn
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We all know why the chicken crossed the road. But why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station!
To get to the Shell Station!
Why don't we ever hear about senior citizens getting their elbows replaced?
And why do so many parents give their kids such common first names?
Had an IT tech investigating a switch problem for me today, his name is Sherlock!
garryknight
touched him up!
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Whenever I drink a certain kind of tea I start stuttering and passing wind. This has been going on for fart oolong.
MakisM1
Gold Member
John meets his friend Dan. Dan is in pretty bad shape, his face bruised and scratched, his clothes torn...
Dan says John, you look terrible, what happened?
Well, Dan replies, today we buried my mother in law...
Oh, says John, ...and you are distraught...
No, says Dan, the b*tch didn't want to be buried...
Dan says John, you look terrible, what happened?
Well, Dan replies, today we buried my mother in law...
Oh, says John, ...and you are distraught...
No, says Dan, the b*tch didn't want to be buried...
MakisM1
Gold Member
There must be a shopping list app! You just tap the items you want and voila!
I also hold the refrigerator door open... wondering what did I come here to get!...
garryknight
touched him up!
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- London, England
- Name
- Garry Knight
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If you wake up feeling like doo doo, get a job as a backing singer.
Jonzjob
POTN Refugee
A shepherd was herding his flock near Frocester when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, takes out a model glider with an onboard camera (apologies to Phil Wright), launches it, takes a ultra-high-resolution photo, and transmits the photo back to his Dell notebook computer. They young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you know jack about my business... "
" ... Now give me back my dog."
The yuppie parks his car, takes out a model glider with an onboard camera (apologies to Phil Wright), launches it, takes a ultra-high-resolution photo, and transmits the photo back to his Dell notebook computer. They young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you know jack about my business... "
" ... Now give me back my dog."
